You guys, I’m spent. The voice of shame inside of me says, “You can’t write right now. You have nothing to offer anyone else when you are angry.” Because yes, I am angry. And I’m often angry. I confessed this to my husband the other night and he point blank said, “I know.”

Today it’s at a boiling point.

I’ve been irritable and ticked off since two o’clock, really. Every little bump, nudge, push, shove from my three year old has resulted in mounting tension in my shoulders and neck until I finally burst out: “Stop it Stop it STOP IT!!!”

Then the older one comes home from school, has a melt down when he sees his destroyed lego creation, the three year old then begins bumping, nudging, shoving him until the legos break even further and they’re screaming at each other and now I’m raging: “Everybody STOP!!!” Feet are stomping, noses are sniffling and I am doing everything I can to keep from throwing all the dishes on the floor.

“I can’t! I just can’t.”

Shame is hounding me now. “What’s wrong with you? {Name a friend} wouldn’t scream at her kids. How could you do that? Where is your patience?”

I’m now in tears in the bathroom. “I can’t.”

The events from the past week run through my mind. It has all been too much. The attack on Paris and the death toll. The mass number of injuries. The attack on Beirut. The tensions flying on Facebook. My personal discouragement over the Republican party’s stance on refugees. The death of a friend’s baby girl. The news that another friend has cancer. The unexpected fight between myself and my husband. The shooting in my city last night.

I’m at a boiling point.

I’m not sure if I am capable of handling so much negativity from the world in such a short amount of time.

So I break.

As I’m reeling another voice whispers: Anger means your needs have not been met.

I hunt down my copy of Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Cloud & Townsend and search for “anger: in the appendix. Page 112:

What do you need?

I need to be alone. I need to be alone and I feel and fear that I won’t get a chance to be alone. Tim has a meeting tonight, and no one is available to help me with the kids.

What else?

I need to eat. I am hungry.

Jack is busy with a coloring book and ignores Ben who just keeps poking (What is with that?!). I throw chicken strips into the oven. Corn in the microwave. While it’s cooking I get my pajamas on. At 4:30.

“Can I have screen time?”

“Okay,” I relent.

Despite all my avocation for rest and self-care, I’m not very good at caring for myself. For one thing – and I know every mom understands this – it is hard to get the amount of rest needed when we are woken up by babies or sick kids or bad dreams. Seemingly impossible. We are driving our minivans while sleep deprived and over-caffeinated, just barely making it through the day.

When it came to my plans for an earlier bedtime last week, with all of the stress the only thing I wanted to do at night was spend time with my husband. Rest and self-care is hard to come by.

But I’m going to continue to try.

Reading Boundaries has helped me realize my kids need better boundaries. Poky-pushy Ben needs structure in his day. He rarely naps anymore, but I need those hours of alone time without him zoning in front of the tv all day long. A search for kids’ quiet times on Pinterest introduced me to “Busy Boxes” and while I’m not making 50 boxes (Calm down, Pinterest) I can throw together a few that will be special quiet time toys.

I’m also going to honor my own boundaries. For example, I cannot write when the kids are around. The interruptions are too much for me. Consistency is the first rule of blogging, but friends, life is so unexpected. How could I have known two weeks ago what the last 10 days would bring? If I had, I would have made some major changes.

I can start now.

How do you care for yourself? I’d love some new ideas.