That time God showed me I had Him all wrong (the continuation of my story)

Day 16 of 31 Days of Connecting (this is the continuation of my story which began back here.)

Two days after my friend prayed for me – two days after I realized God knew how much I was hurting, that God cared for my pain, I was driving home from church on highway 85 asking Him: How could you do this to me? How could you call me away from everyone I love – when I needed people the most? You knew I would say yes!!

Maybe I didn’t want you to.

Come again?

Maybe I wanted you to question me. Maybe I wanted you to be in discussion with me.

God’s words almost made me stop in the middle of Highway 85.

Could it be that I had God wrong the whole time? That he does not want me to act subservient or to be his “Yes-Man,” but to be in relationship?

Suddenly everything was clear. Suddenly I knew. I could have said no. I could have said no and been with my family. I could have said no and lived in the land of green trees, masses of water, and mosquitos. I could have said no.

Not that I necessarily would have… but I didn’t even consider pondering His call. I didn’t even think it was an option to think it over, to wrestle with Him about it.

I remember Jacob who wrestled with an angel of God all night one night. He would not let him go until God blessed him. Eventually, God did – and He gave him a new name, Israel: One who wrestles with God. And that name became the name of Jacob’s descendants, Israel: The people who wrestle with God are God’s people.

By assuming God desired a willing servant who did not feel, who did not question, who did not think, I had made God into someone He is not – heartless, distant, and careless with our souls.

If I had questioned God and told him about my aches and fears, I think those three years in Denver would have been different. If we had come to a decision together, I would not have resented the call. If I had worked with Him, I would have been more at peace, more secure in saying goodbye to our families three or four times a year.

But mostly, if I had been honest, I could have known myself as God’s child rather than gone on believing I was merely his pawn. His slave.

If I had been honest, I could have received His love.

Though I was not honest, I am learning to be honest now. And receiving His love has become my most favorite thing. I can’t wait to tell you those stories…

I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. -Jesus in John 15:15