For a few months now I have been paralyzed by the numbers. Number of page views. Number of followers. Number of likes. Number of comments. Numbers. Numbers. Numbers.
Numbers are important in publishing. Agents and publishers won’t look at you if you don’t have high numbers. Books won’t sell unless you have high numbers.
And somehow I’ve started to equate my worth as a writer, my effectiveness as a minister, by my numbers. But numbers are so fickle. One post will reach thousands and another 25. Facebook changed their algorithm so now my followers don’t even see my posts unless they choose to receive notifications or if I pay for something to go out. Twitter is such a fast moving feed you may only have minutes for someone to grab onto your 140 characters – so you better make that small number of letters count.
[Tweet “I didn’t start writing for the numbers. I started for the words.”] Words that make a difference in my life. Words to encourage. Words to bring hope. Words to speak truth.
Most of all, God’s word.
For years my ministry verses have been 1 Peter 4:10-11:
When I’m focused on numbers, I’m not serving others, I’m not depending on God’s strength, I’m not doing it for His glory, I’m doing it for me.
As of today, I quit.
I quit looking at the numbers. I quit trying to please others. I quit seeking attention, publication, the spotlight.
I want to go back to where I started. With a simple toothless grin that lit up my difficult world of postpartum depression, breastfeeding woes, and sleepless nights. I want my writing to be for other mamas and not for me. I want my writing to bring truth into darkness. I want my writing to be for you.
I’m still moving forward. I’m still writing for this little blog. I’m still writing my book. But I’m not going to think about publishing for some time. Not unless I think it is the best thing to do. When I started it, I wanted it to be a resource for new mamas. So, I hope to have it available for you here someday. (Or rather, on my new website, which is ALMOST DONE!)
Thank you, my dear friends, who have always encouraged me and prayed for me on this journey. I think I have needed to go through some massive anxiety in order to reach a point of clarity.
And, God, this is for you. This public repentance is to you. “I acknowledge my need for a savior and I humbly repent. Speak the word that I may be made clean. Wash me that I may be whiter than snow. Restore unto me the joy of your salvation that I may delight in your will, and walk in your way, to the glory of your name, now and forever. Amen.”
I needed this.I too had to quit looking at my numbers. For a couple of days my GA was not keeping my count. When I looked at the end of day and seen no change I wanted to cry. That’s when I knew I needed to stop looking. I had equated myself with numbers. Not a great moment for me.
I’m glad this encouraged you. I pray you can keep going.
I hear you on this. This spoke right to me! I get really discouraged when I focus on the numbers or lack of feedback from friends and family. I didn’t know that about facebook.. good to know. I keep telling myself that doing God’s work is so much greater than the world’s acceptance. Thank you for posting this today, God defiantly spoke to me through you. 🙂
I’m glad to hear it encouraged you. I need to continue telling myself what you said. And from what I understand, social media is always changing. I for one don’t have time to keep up with it to get the best from it. I can only do what I can do. I hope you keep on writing. Your words matter.
The numbers are not what matter it is the story you are sharing, but as a blogger I understand how the numbers can lift you up and bring you down. Just keep writing. 🙂
Thanks, Amanda!
Leah, I can SO relate. As a writer and speaker all we hear about is “platform, audience, numbers” but I choose instead to write for an audience of One, and depend on Him to deliver my message to those He desires to minister to through the words He has given me. That’s our true call. After all, Jesus chose 12…not 12000 and look at the profound impact He has made!
Sighing a deep one here, Leah. Yes, I’m hearing your heart, and this is an affliction that I share. How to tease out the strands of our motives between earnest desire to be used of God and self-serving desire for notoriety? We live before Him. May He keep our hearts faithful and our purpose true.
I occasionally get sucked in by the numbers game. Thank you for the reminder of why we really write–an audience of One who will then direct our words to where he wants them to go and bless them, sanctify them and let them speak to HIS intended audience.
Thanks for the reminder, that whatever you do, do it for the glory of God and not rely on numbers. We are indeed using His gifts for Him!