There is a popular song on Christian radio these days that says: “Fear is a Liar.” I think it has some really great lyrics about how fear tells us we are not good enough. How “he” says that we are are not worthy, able, strong enough, all sorts of bad things.
The chorus repeats:
Oh, fear he is a liar
“Fear is a Liar” by Zach Williams
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
‘Cause fear he is a liar
I have dealt with fear most of my life.
- In high school I struggled with social anxiety disorder and could hardly look people in the eye when I spoke to them for fear they would not like me.
- As a new mom I was scared I would not be able to take care of my baby. That I would somehow harm him. That he would die.
- I shared with my Redbud Writers Guild this spring how my fear of failure has kept me from writing. I wrote in a blog post a few months ago about this same fear.
- I have written for others about my struggles with anxiety and am familiar with being “stopped in my steps.”
Because of my vast experience with fear and anxiety, I have spent a great deal of time trying to figure out how to stop fear. And the Christian community cheers me on:
“God said, ‘Do not be afraid.’ So just don’t be afraid!” they cheer. “Fear is a liar so stop listening to him,” they say. “Fear is the greatest sin, because you are not trusting God,” they teach.
I have tried to stop fear. I have tried to stop the negative thoughts by speaking against them. I have tried to face them head on with truth. I have tried to counter lies with facts.
But it never really works.
I wind up feeling more frustrated and discouraged than before, because now not only am I dealing with fear, I am ashamed that I cannot fight the fear. I cannot win against the fear. And now I have a new fear: what does my fear say about me?
Our Fear is Saying Something
This year at the school where I am a special education paraprofessional, we have embraced a social-emotional curriculum that teaches kids how to recognize and regulate their emotions. It teaches how the brain works and the different parts of the brain that send out our feelings (amygdala) and problems solve (prefrontal cortex).
The amygdala is there to let us know when there is danger present. It gives us feelings like fear, anger, sadness, frustration, and anxiety. Our feelings alert us that something is wrong. They are markers. Sometimes our amygdala can get a little overexcited and we have to learn how to calm ourselves down using techniques like deep breathing and journaling. But even then, even when our fear seems out of control or like it is lying to us, it is serving us and communicating with us that something is not right.
We must listen to our feelings because they are informing us about our lives. Especially the unpleasant negative feelings. When we ignore and try to suppress these feeling, we wind up doing more harm than good.
In her book Self-Compassion, Kristin Neff writes,
Psychologists have conducted a great deal of research on our ability to consciously suppress unwanted thoughts and emotions. Their findings are clear: we have no such ability. Paradoxically, any attempt to consciously suppress any unwanted thoughts and emotions seems to only make them stronger.
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
All of the work we do to stop feeling anxious, sad, angry or afraid does not work. It only makes it worse. How then should we deal with those negative thoughts and emotions? The answer is paradoxical: Allow ourselves to feel our feelings and show ourselves compassion and love through them. Then they will heal and dissipate.
Because escape from painful feelings is not actually possible, our best option is to clearly but compassionately experience our difficult emotions just as they are in the present moment… Painful feelings are, by their very nature, temporary. They will weaken over time as long as we don’t prolong or amplify them through resistence or avoidance.
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
Does God condemn fear?
I have been thinking about the times in the Bible when God told his people to not be afraid and I find a common thread: They are usually in the face of a very real threat. War. Starvation. Slavery. Death. Poverty.
Sometimes it is not a real threat, but a perceived one, such as when Mary and Joseph saw the angel Gabriel and he told them not to fear him (I’m assuming he must have looked terrifying, not the naked baby angels painted on ceilings). Or, when Jesus returned from the dead and appeared in a locked room with his disciples. TELL me you wouldn’t be a little freaked out.
I believe we have read into these passages and assumed that God is angry or at least frustrated with His people for their fear. We believe He is chastising them for their lack of faith, because that is what we have been taught. But this is the God who loves us enough to die for us. This is Jesus who was moved to tears of compassion for His people because of His great love for them.
Our God is not a god who shames. He is The One who comforts and loves. God is not disappointed with his people or rebuking them when He says, “Do not to fear.” Instead He sees their feelings, is moved with compassion, and invites them to trust Him .
I confess, the past few months have not been without fear and anxiety. I am working hard on a book proposal that is due asap. I am submitting my writing to a small group of writers who are giving feedback, which is always constructive, but my fear of failure is always in front of me.
It has, in many ways, stopped me, paralyzed me, and brought all sorts of shame.
Fear may be a liar, but it does not help to shame it or try to stop it.
Every attempt I have made to push through my fear, to ignore it, or to squelch it has only resulted in greater fear.
It is only when I acknowledge my fear, allow myself to feel it and figure out why I am feeling it, and offer myself the love and comfort I give others that my fear begins to dissipate. This means at times I need to sit with it, listen to it, find out how it is trying to help me, how it is trying to protect me, and validate its concerns. Then and only then can I hear God’s voice of comfort inviting me to Himself.
“Do not be afraid,” He says. “I am with you. I will go before you. I will protect you. I have made you and I delight in you. You are precious to me, not a moment goes by that I do not see you. I know what you need before you. I know your desires and wishes. I know your concerns about loss and failure and lacking. I know you. I am with you and I will always love you.”
So I sit with Him as He sits with me in my fear. And I find healing.
I find hope again.
You can to.
How to Listen to Fear
I have seen these steps written in multiple sources in different ways; this is just the way I do it and the following situation is made up:
- Stop and notice your feelings. “I feel scared.”
- Take a look at what happened before you began feeling that way. “My husband told me he would like me to have more time alone in the evenings.”
- Consider the stories you tell yourself about what happened.
- I think he doesn’t like to be with me.
- I feel like I felt when my friends cut me out and I’m scared that will happen again.
- I think he doesn’t care about our marriage.
- I think he is having an affair or will have an affair if he continues to take time away from me.
- I think I’m not important.
- I feel like I don’t matter.
- Notice your feelings. Use feeling words. Sometimes fear is just the surface. “I feel angry. I feel abandoned. I feel scared. I feel sad.”
- Let yourself feel your feelings in your body. Where do you feel it? Put your hand in that place. Offer yourself compassion. These feelings are hard to carry.
- Bring your feelings to God. What might He say? What is true? There can be a variety of answers:
- You are loved.
- That is hard to hear when you value that time together.
- This is a different story and a different relationship than you had with your friends.
- Maybe it is not about you, but is about something he is going through.
- I’m sorry that hurt your feelings.
- Ask him why he needs the time. Share with him your desires and feelings, without accusation.
- Sit in silence with God’s love. Allow Him to comfort you as you calm down.
Often when I practice this I realize my “stories” or assumptions are not based in reality. Sometimes I realize a legitimate need I have that is not being met, a hurt from the past that has not healed, or a conversation that needs to be had. Sometimes I simply need to grieve and be comforted. The healing is a process, but it is possible.
What about you? What helps you in your fear and anxiety? How have you found healing? How has God met you?
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