How do you find the courage to be vulnerable?

How do you find the courage and the energy to be vulnerable, write, edit, and post when so many symptoms of named mental illness do/could get it the way? -Jenny

As I sit down to write this, I am coping with what I call a vulnerability hangover. I just shared a bit about my job-search (and a rejection email I got from a non-profit I was interested in working with) and I find myself overwhelmed with feelings. I feel sad about the rejection. I feel concerned about what people think about me for sharing this. I feel certain that sharing is the right thing to do, because authenticity and vulnerability are values of mine. I feel scared people will judge me. And I feel the need to unplug from all social media so my soul can rest and breathe while I just let the internet do what it does with its algorithms and likes and scrolls and not worry about whether it is a reflection on me or not if people don’t like my post.

Because the reality is every day we all deal with our feelings and learning to relate to them and how social media affects our feelings is something we must grapple with.

Sometimes I don’t share.

Sometimes I am in the middle of circumstances that are too raw and my feelings are too uncertain that I really don’t think it would be helpful for anyone if I shared. I have not discovered the beauty in that moment so I don’t want to be a bleeding wound all over Instagram or Facebook. The reality is that even as I am very honest, I am also very private. And sometimes I don’t have the courage or energy to be vulnerable. Sometimes it wouldn’t be helpful to share. Sometimes I need to instead write in my journal, spend time in meditation with God, and to heal.

That is the best thing for me to do for me and for you.

I have the courage to be vulnerable, write, edit, and post when I recognize that I am valuable, my posts don’t define my worth, and I have nothing to prove to others. I can do this when I am acting from the desire to create a safe space for others, not when I am trying to prove my worth. If I am feeling insecure in myself, if my depression is taking over, I, frankly, don’t have the energy to share. I don’t believe I have anything to share. I need to get to a place of a certain amount of health and steadiness within me to share.

Brene Brown said, “Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”  Sometimes in order to be courageous, I need to simply state the truth and the courage comes after I have already said it. Her book Daring Greatly changed the way I live my life. It formed my value of vulnerability and authenticity as she showed me how strength comes through sharing.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” 

Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Sometimes I fear I am being dishonest because I have not shared my worst days. But I don’t feel like the world needs to know every breakdown I have. Those are private moments between me and God. But they do happen. And thankfully I come out on the other side.

On my wall I have written: “I write to care for others.” That is my mission, to care for others. It is what makes me sit down to type when I feel insecure. It is what helps me post after an epic failure. It is what helps me feel better within myself when I don’t feel like I have anything to offer. It is why I write.

And I think, beyond any other reason I have courage in vulnerability, it is because I believe we need to see another person’s story; we need to know we are not alone; we need to know that someone else has gotten through their darkest night; we need to know that we are not crazies or weirdos for struggling; and we need to know that we matter.

This is one of the most rambling posts I have written in some time, but I hope it is helpful in seeing that discovering courage is not a straight path. It is one where I have to discover myself over and over again. Discover I am loved. Discover I am valuable. Discover my life matters. I have to discover all of this before I can share it with anyone, because if I try to discover it through a post or an article I will keep wandering in the wilderness. Seeking fulfillment in the ever-shifting sands of social media. Discontented. Unhappy. Depressed.

My feet need to be solid. My heart needs to be sure. I need to know myself first. Then I can share me with you.

I hope this is helpful.

What are your questions about faith and mental illness? This post is part of my series of answering questions from readers and friends. Previous posts include:

Is depression the result of lack of faith?

3 Ways to Battle Shame in Mental Illness

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